Random Access

Video games give me the creeps.
Probably because my knowledge of them has been largely confined to the involuntary consumption of television commercials that gleefully promote six-a-second shootings of various grotesque semi-humanoid figures. Ridding the world of these bad guys is somehow vaguely linked in these ads with preservation of the American way of life.
This gives one the overwhelming impression that America’s first line of defence in the war on terrorism is made up primarily of testosterone-charged teenaged boys, fingers flicking furiously to make the world safe for democracy.
So, it is with more than a touch of guilt that I must report that not only did I play my first video game in earnest yesterday, but I quite enjoyed it.
Not that it had anything in common with those combat games that are so unpalatable.
You see, I became part of the Wii (pronounced we) Generation on Boxing Day.
For Christmas, my daughter received one of the games, thanks to the boyfriend getting up at 4:30 a.m. a few weeks ago to line up at Best Buy. Being passionate consumers of television sport and especially the Blue Jays, my 20-year-old son and I decided to hold our own spring training.
You’ve undoubtedly heard about the Wii concept. Instead of just pushing buttons, there is a controller with a strap which allows you to swing the bat, pitch, stroke a golf ball, serve and volley, box, and bowl using realistic motions that are reflected on the screen.
Hitting is supposed to be way ahead of pitching in spring training, but that’s not what we found.
After two frustrating, scoreless, three-inning baseball games, Josh finally connected on my curve ball (Should have pretended to be Bert Blyleven, not Josh Towers) and I was history.
On the other side of the ledger, my lifetime batting average continues its flirtation with the south side of the Mendoza line. Who says art doesn’t imitate life?
The baseball was the most fun. The golf, tennis, boxing and bowling will take a lot more practice.
If the intent is to sucker old-guys-who-should-know-better into the video game vortex, then the makers of Wii have achieved their goal.
The best news of all is that apparently there is a Madden NFL 07 version for the Wii. So daughter Chelsea, a Buffalo Bills’ fan, has her birthday gift all taken care of.
It’s even possible to show replays of the video game action on the Wii, so we can insert our own Madden signature “Booms” and “Whams” into the action where appropriate.
Only one little problem.
How can we teach the cat to use the telestrater?