Random Access

Imagine for a moment that they did the logical thing with potential municipal electoral candidates and screened them for their knowledge about the community they wish to serve, their life experiences and their general suitability to hold office.
Then imagine that a senior official in Mississauga's human resources department is sitting down with a potential mayoralty candidate.
"Good morning, Sir. I hope you don't mind if I ask you a few questions to determine if you might be suitable to replace the current mayor. Some of these questions might seem a little odd but I can assure you they do have a purpose.
"First of all, have you ever single-handedly saved a City from potential immolation as a result of several derailed railway cars carrying potentially lethal amounts of chlorine, while, at the same time, being carried around the accident scene by a senior Ontario Provincial Police officer?
"No, eh. Don't worry, we'll just ignore that one. Let's go on to an easier multiple-choice question.
"If you heard that police were dealing with a distraught man standing on the roof of his home with a rope around his neck, would you:
"A. Go about your normal business and let the police handle it?
"B. Monitor the situation and stay on alert in case, police want you to intervene?
"C. Go down to the scene so that the man can wave at you and blow you a kiss before he scrambles down?
"OK, I guess that wasn't quite as easy as it seemed.
"How about something straightforward? Can you skate circles around NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman at a press conference? Can you skate circles around Mel Lastman without even putting on skates?Can you arrange to be at 20 community events in Mississauga every day and never be on time for any of them?
"Have you ever been in a collision with a truck as a pedestrian and inflicted more damage than you suffered?
"Do you have any 32-pound salmon on your office walls that you personally caught? Do you think you could attract a couple of dozen Fortune 500 companies to the municipality?
"Can you do that Vulcan mind-meld thing to make a judicial inquiry disappear from people's memory banks?
"Hey, where are you going, Sir? Don't give up so easily.
"Oh, well - guess he just wasn't woman enough for the job."