You know what the single most dangerous threat to your health is?
Clinical studies.
They make you dizzy. They may cause nausea. They will definitely, definitely give you a headache and upset your stomach, if not worse.
In fact, in a new study of four people in my family carried out over the past 72 hours, (the cat was the control group), researchers found that eating a diet high in take-out Chinese food during the Super Bowl may cause NFL officials to make a series of questionable calls.
Some participants even suffered delusions during half-time. They reported seeing a group of ossified musicians, one of whom appeared to have a neurological disease related to St. Vitus Dance, performing ritualistic songs from the Stones Age.
You guessed it. I've been reading the latest about the blockbuster, landmark eight-year health study of 49,000 women aged 50-79. Depending on the interpretations I've read so far in newspaper accounts, the study either completely blows away the idea of cancer and heart benefits from a low-fat diet, or confirms them, sort of.
"These studies are revolutionary," Dr. Jules Hirsch is quoted as saying. "They should put a stop to this era of thinking that we have all the information we need to change the whole national diet and make everybody healthy."
In this morning's Globe and Mail, Dietician Leslie Beck concludes the study is inconclusive and doesn't represent a dietary flip-flop. In fact, she finds evidence that we're on the right track by trying to control our fat intake, especially of trans and saturated fats.
You see, as with every study, there were some inexplicable anomalies, as we in the pseudo-research community like to call them. You can call them things that don't make sense, although that might make us sound like we're not sure exactly what the results mean.
The study did find that women who ate low-fat diets were actually nine per cent less likely to develop breast cancer than the group who ate regular diets. That is "statistically insignificant." Unless, of course, you're one of the lucky ones on the right side of the nine per cent, I'd venture to say. Then it's statistically critical.
Since human beings have a certain passing interest in the state of their own health, there are a lot of health studies and a lot of newspaper stories about them.
In order to torture myself further, I subscribe to the Nutrition Action Health Newsletter, which is always full of long stories about health studies. Most readers will simply read the "bottom line" summary that gives you a mini-snapshot of the big confusion.
Unless you'd like to support the good works of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, which publishes the newsletter, or want some great recipes, let me give you some bottom-line advice that will save you the cost of the subscription:
Eat a balanced diet that includes goodly amounts of fibre, a selection of nuts, fish and five to 10 fruits and vegetables per day. Don't smoke. Try to keep your weight down. Keep moving your body around as much as you can and incorporate regular exercise into your daily life. Sleep regular hours. Let moderation be your watchword.
One last tip: save yourself some anxiety. Just read the headlines on those stories about the newest, shiniest health study.